Strange Tidings
by death by storm
Summary: Severus Snape has always had a particular... liking for old MoldyShorts, nevermind the fact that he is obviously straight. This is the story of how he was brutally rejected. Warnings: OOC and Crack.


_Hey all, it's death by storm. Just like to sit here and comment on how long it has been since I submitted a Harry Potter fanfiction. This is a rather amusing (and slightly creepy) little one shot that I came up with due to exam stress. Enjoy XD._

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

Strange Tidings.

"Greetings, My Lord. Might I say you are looking particularly fabulous today," Snape said.

"Such impudence Severus. Now bow down and kiss my feet!" Voldemort sniffed.

"I mean it. Well, look at you, with that glorious pasty white complexion and glowing red eyes that can draw you in and suck out your soul out," Snape said with a breathy sigh.

"Are you _hitting _on me?!"

"Only if you want me to," Snape let his eyes fall half closed.

"Ooookay, I only see one way to get rid of this problem."

Voldemort waved his wand in the vague direction of the lovestruck Snape. Ropes appeared out of nowhere and bound him to the dungeon wall.

"According to the Death Eater policy page three hundred and twenty-four, paragraph eight, subsection three, I must list off the benefits package your family will receive from your death... remind me Severus, why did I write this code?"

"It was for the sake of the plot, My Lord," Severus murmured, still love struck. "You had too much sherry, remember?"

"Ah yes, that was a lovely party. If I remember right, torturing the entertainment was most pleasurable."

Voldemort's face assumed a similar lovestruck look at the remembrance at the Muggles' screams as he tortured them and how they had writhed in pain. Their fear had been so delicious, and the blood oh so pretty... With a shake of his head he brought himself back to the present.

"Oh yes, the benefits package that's going to your family. Well you will get a free funeral, after which we will dispose of your body in an unmarked location or your corpse will be hung on a nearby fence when we have a meeting to discourage idiots and traitors.

"As a bonus, since you have been a Death Eater for so long, your entire bloodline will be wiped out of existence."

"If I were to be killed by anyone, it would be you," Severus sighed.

"You're not listening? Why aren't you listening! Crucio!"

"I don't have a family," Severus said after he had finished screaming in pain.

"Well that's bloody inconvenient," Voldemort said. "Isn't there anyone else that you care an exceedingly large amount about?"

"Yes, My Lord. But you killed her. That's why my affections were switched to you," Severus said. "Have I ever told you that I love you?"

"The 'L' word again, Severus? How many times have we talked about you using that dirty word?"

"I could hear that speech from your pale lips at least a dozen more times," Snape said.

"Well too bad," Voldemort said. He transfigured a nearby rock into a bunny rabbit with glasses. "There you can listen to that!"

"Even this will be heavenly."

"AAAAAHHH!!!! I can't take it anymore! Crucio!"

Snape writhed, screaming for about three minutes before Voldemort took the curse off because he was bored. There was silence for a moment.

"That was such a turn-on," Snape said. His eyes were wide and adoring. "You certainly do know how to take care of my needs. I picked quite well."

There were very few things in the world that disturbed Voldemort. And this was one of them."

"Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort screamed.

Snape's body went limp and he sighed in relief.

"Brilliant idea, My Lord," a voice came from beside him. "Now we can be together forever."

Voldemort whipped around and stared at the pearly white version of Snape. The ghost seemed to delighted to have his attention and waved at him happily.

"Like hell I'm going to let that happen," Voldemort snarled. He raised his own wand and pointed it at his head. "Avada Kedavra!"

There was a brilliant flash of green and Voldemort crumbled into ashes. Snape's ghost stared at him blankly.

The real Snape came in. "My Lord, I beg your forgiveness, but a potion went awry and I went ... searching... for it..."

He stared blankly at Voldemort's dead body and the sobbing ghost beside it.

"Finite Incantatem," Snape murmured and the ghost disappeared.

"I can't believe that actually worked," he said..

So Snape fed the Voldemort's remains to Dumbledore's chickens and everyone lived happily ever after.

* * *

Hmmm... reviews would be appreciated for the poor university student who has been dying from a work overload.


End file.
